Donor Conception Network - Stories
Telling Benjamin
I'm Claire, married to Paul here, and I am conscious that he and our son
Benjamin are sitting in the front row listening to everything that I say.
When Kate phoned me to ask whether I would speak today, she said, speak
from the heart about your feelings, anxieties, plans for telling and how
far you've got.
We have two children by the same donor. Fortunately we
conceived quickly. Our son Benjamin is four, conceived after two
treatments, and Harriet is 21 months, conceived after four treatments. We
have been members of the network since I was seven months pregnant with
Benjamin.
Telling is a complex subject and as Paul and I tried to work out last
night, it is a gradual process that is still evolving rather than a
strategy of deliberate events. However the critical starting point has
been a unity in the desire for openness and honesty with any children
resulting from DI, regarding their origins. They have a right to know.
This assumption that we would tell them underpins our actions. It made it
easier for us to cope with the diagnosis of our infertility and to come
to terms with intervention, DI treatment, conception, pregnancy and the
birth of our children. It has also eliminated an issue that could have
become a major stumbling block. We have realised that telling the
children and no one else would be impossible.
We couldn't contemplate the prospect of possible childlessness or
children by DI without the support of others who knew, in particular our
family and friends.
So from the earliest days we have never doubted that they would give us anything other than love and support. We are still assured of that and count ourselves very fortunate. When we came to telling friends it wasn't a deliberate exercise but came about naturally. We would do so on a walk after a Sunday lunch as we trudged across a muddy field. So from the start we knew we would tell people, but we didn't know or plan how, when, where or what we would tell but we knew why.
We didn't want our children growing up in a conspiracy of secrets or a hierarchy of people knowing varying degrees of information at different times. Our family was told as and when it seemed appropriate. I was more apprehensive about telling my grandmother and the consequences this would have as she loves spreading family news and I thought the information would be newsworthy! When it came to telling her I guessed she had already been told. I didn't swear her to secrecy but at the same time tried to foster some idea about privacy.
We know that in being open, we have to make some compromises about people knowing an intimate aspect of our life and information about our children, but we trust we are doing our best. Having analysed our experience of telling so far we realised last night that it has been essential to be clear about the difference between openness and the need for privacy.
We are conscious of our need as adults, to share and be supported through our infertility but also of our children's need to know and to process this information which is essentially a part of them. In being open, we need to be mindful of the need to protect their privacy, and ultimately respect their choices about who they tell if they decide to do so as they get older. I've brought with me today a few items which have their own symbolic meaning for the stages we are going through on our journey of telling.
The first is a cross stitch sampler, which I made when I was expecting Benjamin. The words say "a baby is a special gift" and the design shows a baby and teddy in pastel colours - very much a nursery picture with the date of birth and the baby's name. For me it symbolises the efforts and trials Paul and I had to endure to conceive our first child, but ultimately the pleasure of creating something beautiful. It reminds me of early baby days when we were so elated to have "succeeded" in our treatment. Telling seemed far off when we looked at our baby and infertility had been conquered. Our dreams and my natural maternal yearnings for a baby in my arms had been fulfilled. But a baby doesn't stay a baby for long. Life is dynamic and doesn't remain static, like a picture. Our son was developing his own identity and as you can see, he's becoming a big boy very fast (gives Benjamin a hug). We already had a copy of "My Story" and had attended network meetings. We knew we would need the book one day but weren't sure when the topic would crop up. After all, there was this baby in a Moses basket - telling seemed a long way off. Since then, people at meetings have said they started practising telling their young babies - we thought this rather odd are first but can now appreciate it might help!
The next item is this book, which Benjamin has had since early days. I have a strong Christian belief and this is a book which I discovered which is a beautifully adapted version of Psalm 139 from the Bible and Benjamin loved the pictures. Paul does not share this faith and I appreciate that other network members may have other views, but we both read the book with him at bedtime. It's called "Just as I am". I wanted Benjamin and Harriet to know that above all else they are loved by us and by God and were meant to be and despite all our deliberations in treatment and decisions about donors and telling, God has a plan for us and he knew then when they were inside my tummy long before we did. I've given the book to my Godchildren and to others as Christening presents. It's not about DI but it is about love.
The third item is the "My Story" book which we knew we would use. It seemed such a big event to add to his story book collection but when we first read it together it was a much less momentous experience. We read through it about six months ago and skipped the pages about sperm and eggs, just mentioning babies and how they were made and that Mummy and Daddy had problems having babies so some kind men helped them out. It was rather selective but it was appropriate at the time. Benjamin had observed my tummy getting bigger when I was pregnant with his baby sister but at 2 and a half was not asking many questions. He knew I had a baby in my tummy but didn't ask how she got in or out! He also knew boys and men had willies and mummy and his baby sister had not. But he was much more interested in pretend play - being a fire fighter or an astronaut. (Turning to Benjamin) "How long have you had this book Benjamin?" "About 17 miles" says Benjamin We had not decided whether to refer to the biological terms eggs and sperm or to use seed or some other simple word. The word sperm is very direct and unambiguous. They are different from tadpoles which Benjamin was also studying at his nursery school. But we were also apprehensive about the word sperm! What would people think at school if Benjamin blurted out the word sperm at "show and tell" at his Montessori nursery school? All sorts of questions gave rise to some entertaining considerations. What would be the reaction of the teacher or parents of children if this did happen? We put the idea on hold but suspected he would use the word sperm in the end. It was not until the goldfish died (and then Princess Diana) that we realised that simple honesty was the answer, together with careful listening skills.
Then by chance I discovered this final book "How babies are made" at a Dorling Kindersley book party. It has lovely clear photographs and explains how you need sperm from a daddy duck and eggs from a mummy duck to make a duckling, daddy and mummy cats to make kittens, etc. We read this through, including the word sperms and it felt natural. Turning to Benjamin) Benjamin, what do you need from a Daddy duck? ["Eggs!" says Benjamin.] He does usually say it the right way round. So (using the wiggly hand to symbolise sperm and eggs) the sperm and eggs join together and make a baby and it gets bigger and bigger than it comes out. Once we had read that book we were then in a better position to read the whole of "My Story", kind men and all, although Benjamin is more interested in the pictures at the end and asks why we haven't got a dog and when we can have one! Of course our experience of telling does not just rely on a series of books.
There are numerous opportunities to take a cue and mention something relevant and we know repetition will count when it comes to having known the facts all along. However its got to be natural and appropriate and it evolves.
