Donor Conception Network - Stories
David's Interview
Nick approached us at the DC Meeting to ask if we would write something for the Newsletter about our story, especially because of us having what, to our knowledge, is the oldest DI child in the Network (David is 18 ½, are we wrong?). There is no doubt that a lot of DI parents are very interested in what happens when the children get older, we were both heavily bombarded on Saturday.
We thought about it and decided to change the agenda a bit - to be honest, we're nearly getting fed up of telling our story, so what about David's story. Before we dive in, though, just in case there is anybody left in the DC Network who doesn't know our story, here (maybe for the last time!!) is our 'round the group' introduction. "Hello, I'm Sue and this is my husband Don. We have one child through DI, our son David who is now 18 ½. We also have a natural son, Christopher, who is 14. We needed donor assistance because Don had had a vasectomy during his previous marriage and the reversal hadn't worked - or so we thought for 5 years.
We started to tell David at about 5 years old and reinforced the story up until around 12. Family and close friends also know." We talked to David on the next day after the meeting to ask if he would be prepared to give us information on his own thoughts about donor insemination. We held an interview type situation and we explained that it would be more interesting to hear his perspective on things and that it could be helpful to other families.
Were you glad you were told? Yes
Are you bothered that you are a DI child and you have a brother born
naturally?
It's no different when you growing up, I don't think of myself or Chris
as being different or special.
Do you think about being a DI child much?
No, to be honest the only time it comes into my mind is each year when
you go to the meeting and I know why you're going and you ask my opinion
like you are now.
You had a close friend who you told when you were 14 and he unexpectedly
told other class members. What effect did that have on you?
At first I became very self conscious about it and thought that everyone
was talking about me. People in my class asked me questions because they
wanted to understand about it but after a time that all faded away and I
realised that no one was really bothered - I continue to have my friends
so nothing really has changed.
Do you remember much about being told that you were a DI child?
It's all a blur and I can't remember much about being told. I felt
awkward about it at the age of 13/14 but as I have got older I am less
sensitive about it but I think that some people could be and I put this
down to different types of personality like one person may be chatty and
another not.
If we were sitting you down now at the age of 18 and you were hearing
this for the first time that you were born this way what would you think?
I would go up the wall - a bad move, not treating me with respect.
Would you tell you future wife/ partner/ children?
Of course ; it wouldn't be a very good relationship if I didn't. Although
being a DI child is not in the forefront of my mind having secrets is not
a good thing to live with.
Are you interested in the donor?
It's not part of my life, I am not interested in all that, my life is
here - knowing who the donor is a hypothetical situation because I know
from what you've told me before that we can't get that information.
(Note: this is true, we have tried the clinic, but it is a dead end,
remember this was 19 years ago)
Legislation may change so that children born this way in the near future
may have these rights, does that bother you?
The situation is what I have got and that is how it is. Even if I did
have the right, I'm not sure I would want to follow it up. I'm happy
being who I am. As I have grown older DI has got easier to handle and to
be honest there are others things that I bother about, like my job and
what to do for work for the future and enjoying myself.
When your brother has made unkind remarks such as "get back in your test
tube" how have you felt?
As I said it gets easier to handle and when we have a fight it is
whatever is 'hot' at the moment. I would give as good as got and was
confident enough to give some response back usually one he didn't like
and then we would start wrestling again and then we forgot about it until
the next battle we had. These battles are less now as we have both grown
up and have other interests.
Well, there it is. Whether this is a typical response or not, who knows. Somebody out there must, so maybe they'd like to join the discussion. The nearest aged child we know of is Walter and Olivia's William, so maybe they'd like to say something, As David himself says, everybody is probably different and has different views, but what we have written here is what David said and he is genuinely unperturbed about it. The key statement, though, is the response to 'What if we hadn't told you until now'.
