Donor Conception Network - Stories
A Donor Story
A sperm donor reflects on his route to donation and his feelings and
thoughts during the process
I first became aware of the issue of gamete donation as an undergraduate. I was flicking through a student guide and found an advert for sperm donors. The advert read “Sperm donors needed; are you a healthy male aged 18-45?; many infertile couples are relying on your help. £15 per donation.” It went on to list a telephone number that you could call if interested. I was intrigued by the advert and decided to further enquire into the issue of infertility because I had never really had reason to consider it. There was no one in my family that I knew had fertility problems and I could hardly recall a single news item discussing the issue. The fruits of my enquiries proved to be quite an education. I was shocked to learn that one in ten couples had trouble conceiving and had been totally ignorant to the frustration, pain and sadness that so many people trying desperately to start a family faced. I had, in my ignorance, no idea of the need for sperm donors and speculated on how wonderful it would be to assist couples overcome infertility.
I’ll never forget how apprehensive and embarrassed I was walking into the clinic on my first appointment. I distinctly remember thinking what the staff at the clinic would make of this fresh-faced student walking in all jittery eyed. It wasn’t quite as bad as I had imagined though. I was fully briefed on the process involved in becoming a donor from the outset and had to provide the clinic with a few specimens for testing over a two-week period. Despite my unproven fertility I was advised that the results of these tests were satisfactory. I also had to undergo various medical tests and a physical examination. I was admitted onto the programme after a detailed review of the medical histories of my family and I. I was paid £15 per donation plus travel expenses. I didn’t feel uncomfortable accepting the payment because I felt that it was only compensatory taking into account the embarrassment, time and level of commitment involved. The sum involved was no more than a symbolic gesture to recognise the contribution that I had made.
I know that I couldn’t have become a donor if I thought that I was being paid for my “services” and I find it difficult to understand how anyone can commit themselves to a fairly de-humanising and stressful process for a measly £15. I feel sure that even if most donors expect payment the majority are primarily motivated for altruistic reasons.
Donation considered I imagine that for many the idea of being a donor probably sounds pretty insane or even perverse. People find it difficult to comprehend why any one would want to donate just to “help others”. I guess this is because they have yet to be convinced of the utility of gamete donation or because their nature sadly doesn’t allow them to accept that there are people who are prepared to help others by being donors. I know that many find it difficult to understand how anyone can become a donor knowing that their contributions will be used to create individuals genetically related to them of whom they will have no knowledge. During my counselling I had to confront this reality but I never let it faze me because I was clear that the reason why I wanted to become a donor was to give others the opportunity to have children. I have always known that my contributions could never make me a father to any of these individuals in any real sense and have therefore never let it trouble me. Those individuals have their parents and are highly likely to be well cared for given how wanted they must be. In any case the association between donating in the impersonal and sterile setting of a clinic and the creation of a new life doesn’t allow you to form any personal attachment towards any person that may be produced as a result of your donations.
Any Regrets?
Pleased as I am to think that my contributions may make a positive
difference to some families I still have my regrets. I regret that I will
never know if any of my donations have been successfully used to help
others or anything about any person born from my donations. Providing me
with information would certainly have made the “gift” of
donation more meaningful. I would dearly like to know at least the
outcomes of my donations for curiosity sake and would like to think that
any child born of them will live a happy and fulfilling life. I have
often found myself wondering whether or not their parents will tell them
of the circumstances of their conception. I also wonder what any person
conceived as a result of my donations would think of me, if anything, and
how their lives might develop. How could I not think about what sort of
talents, skills and interests they might develop without denying a
fundamental part of my own humanity? I would even be interested to know
something of any recipient couple. I have great respect for them and
believe that they must be quite exceptional people to have the strength
of character to have a family through gamete donation. I can’t
understand why people expect donors to have no interest or misconstrue
their interest in the very people most affected by their decision to
become donors. I also wish that I could have donated free from the
negative assumptions made of donors that made it impossible for me to
share my decision to become a donor with others.
Post donation thoughts
I would hate any person conceived through my donations to think that
their donor simply made his donations without thinking further of the
significance of his actions. I guess that many men don’t fully
comprehend the enormity of their decision to become a donor or only
realise its full significance latter in life when they have children of
their own. Still this charge shouldn’t detract from the fact that
gamete donation is a responsible act even if it’s significance is
not always appreciated. Donors are usually reasonably well educated and
are screened for health and mental problems. They often have to make a
commitment to donate for up to a year. Where is the justification for the
claim that they are somehow unbalanced or incapable of considering the
implications of their decision to donate I ask myself? The assertion that
donors recklessly donate either for financial reward or because of a
subliminal desire to propagate their genes creates suspicion and even
fear of donors. It allows donors to be dismissed as socially
irresponsible individuals and does little for the self-esteem of all
those conceived through gamete donation that are struggling to make sense
of their identity.
The question of anonymity
The issue of donor anonymity raises all sorts of issues for me. As
jealous as I am about my anonymity I cannot ignore the overwhelming moral
and ethical arguments in favour of retrospectively ending donor
anonymity. I’m acutely aware of the distress caused to donor
offspring by denying them information about their genetic parentage.
Denying them such information offends against their dignity and must make
it all the more difficult for them to achieve a sense of completeness.
Anonymity also devalues the contribution of donors and depersonalises
them. It allows them to be dismissed as men who sold their sperm for
money when in fact the whole process of donation could have had quite a
different significance for them. Despite all this though I still remain
in favour of preserving donor anonymity. The absence of information given
to donors, about persons conceived with their help, makes me feel
completely ill equipped to deal with the frightening prospect of being
confronted by any of my offspring in the years to come. Clearly such
contact would have immense implications for me and for any future family
I may have. My attitude would be different if I had the benefit of some
information about those born from my donations. At least then I would
have the opportunity to prepare myself for the possibility of future
contact.
I know that this thought is likely to concern many that perceive their
donors as a threat to their family’s integrity. Donors of course
have no legal relationship to those conceived through their donations and
I strongly suspect that many of these fears are based on negative
assumptions made of donors. In any event any donor that tried to
interfere would be answerable to the civil and criminal law. Even if
disclosure did led to contact I can’t accept that it can never be
in the interests of donor or offspring to have some contact if mutually
desired. Donor-offspring contact need not undermine existing family
relationships and I suspect could do much to strengthen them.
To this
extent I am pleased with the emergence of the voluntary register but I
would like more. Entrusting donors with some information, even if limited
to protect the privacy of others, could easily be achieved and would do
much to promote the principle that gamete donation is a responsible act
with life long consequences.
