Donor Conception Network

Your Gamete, Myself

The author Peggy Orenstein is a contributing writer for the NYT and author of the memoir, “Waiting for Daisy: A Tale of Two Continents, Three Religions, Five Infertility Doctors, an Oscar, an Atomic Bomb, a Romantic Night and One Woman’s Quest to Become a Mother.

This is a self published book from a probably not very typical American Gynaecologist/Obsterician who chose to conceive a third child in her late forties using a known egg donor. She draws on extensive material from her experience of helping others with fertility problems as well as relating with humour, empathy and authenticity the see-sawing emotions (particularly of ambivalence) around using a donated egg to help complete her family. There is a good section at the end where she castigates her fellow clinicians and others for inaccurate and euphemistic use of language.

2 copies in the library and to buy from www.LonnyHiggins.com

Review
Diane Ehrensaft brings the insight of a clinical and developmental psychologist to all the big questions that arise both before family creation with donor conception and afterwards. Luckily she communicates them in language that is a pleasure to read and accessible to all who enjoy getting information from books. Using examples from her experience of two decades of working with families built through assisted conception, she addresses not only the obvious feelings and practicalities faced by would-be parents, but also some of the more difficult emotions and fantasies that are often around but rarely spoken about. All this is undertaken with great empathy for the would-be parent(s), be they heterosexual or lesbian couples or single women, but with the focus squarely on the developmental needs of the child.
Through a Freudian typological error she came upon the term Birth Other (mother) and decided that this was indeed a helpful way to think about the donor. Whilst remaining outside the parenting circle he or she is nevertheless a significant other in the creation of a child. A firm proponent of 'telling' as a process, Ehrensaft goes through the arguments for starting to share information at different ages and stages and comes down in favour of starting either in infancy or when a child starts asking questions about babies. The chapters on the why, how and when of 'telling' are some of the best material I have ever read on the subject - partly because of the emphasis on children's developmental stages but also because of the examples and the reassurance that 'getting it wrong' sometimes is unlikely to do lasting damage. And unlike other American 'experts' she is refreshingly undogmatic about the use of correct anatomical terminology, favouring 'tummy' over 'uterus' when explaining where babies grow to young children.
In conclusion, I thoroughly endorse the review by Anne Bernstein, author of The Flight of the Stork, who wrote 'This is the first book to map the emotional terrain of parenthood that is aided by a 'birth other', the author's inventive term for a donor or surrogate….wise, highly readable and insightful, this is an essential guide '.
Olivia Montuschi

2 copies in the DCN Library The first really comprehensive book for individuals and couples considering egg donation is published in the USA in April. Although some parts of this American book are not relevant to the UK situation, all the emotional and ethical issues are familiar and covered in depth. Highly recommended.

Reviewed by Deborah Weinberg, member of DC Network
Important new book for all contemplating egg donation or parenting children conceived this way. The authors of this book are well known and well respected practitioners and writers in the field of infertility.
What they have produced together is the ultimate guide book on egg donation. As well as tremendous knowledge and experience, it also displays great compassion.
This is the most comprehensive book on the subject that I have come across, covering every possible practical question and circumstance, as well as all the emotional and ethical issues and decisions. No choice or issue is left unexplored.
Egg donation is weighed up against all other options, including continuing to try on your own, (with or without IVF), embryo donation, adoption or doing nothing further. Domestic, international and transracial adoptions are looked at. The merits of all kinds of donors and donation are discussed: intrafamily, friend-to-friend, clinic recruited, recipient recruited, known, anonymous and so on.
Many other important issues - such as multiple births, pregnancy loss, age, coming to terms with childlessness, accepting a one-child family - are presented and discussed.
In addition, the authors provide notes on additional resources - websites and books - for the reader to pursue. To illustrate each dilemma or situation, Glazer and Sterling introduce us to the stories of many different women and couples facing difficult decisions. Their stories are real and very moving, and they help to convince us that we are not alone on this journey. If you have confronted similar issues, you can easily identify with some of these families.
I found that they even triggered some dormant emotions, those not quite yet given voice to. Being written from a US viewpoint, there are sections of the book with little or no obvious relevance to the UK, for example "Choosing your donor", "Choosing a fertility clinic and assembling the medical team" or "Lawyers and Mental health counsellors". Nevertheless, within these fascinating chapters are useful pointers to consider and more case studies with which to identify. Clearly, infertility counsellors are more abundant and long-term counselling more culturally acceptable in the US.
The authors advise against thinking one can go it alone, and encourage the reader to undertake this often fraught journey with the support of an experienced counsellor. Some of the areas that they suggest can usefully be explored in counselling are: loss and grief, letting go and moving on, ambivalence about one's decision, feelings of failure, renewed grief if treatment doesn't work, feeling a 'fake' during pregnancy and so on.
Glazer and Sterling are unashamed advocates of telling children the truth of how they entered their families - "why would you lie to your children?" they ask. They utterly reject the use of the word "disclosure", with its taint of shame and secrecy. If your child comes into your family through egg donation, it may not have been your first choice but what a wonderful positive story to celebrate, they say. The authors talk also of "collaborative reproductive options". I found it refreshing to be reminded of what a collaborative undertaking egg donation is; and refreshing that the feelings of the donor, and sometimes the donor's family, are also acknowledged and explored.
This is not a book needing to be read cover to cover, but it is not difficult to find sections, chapters and stories relevant to ones own situation. Each new issue is clearly signposted, and the authors' style is easy, reassuring and accessible. They write with great empathy, drawing not only on their own wealth of knowledge and experience, but also on cohorts of other professionals in this field in the US.
I hope this book finds its way to every clinic in the UK and to every woman or couple navigating a path through the maze of emotions towards parenthood through egg donation.
This is an American book that in most respects is absolutely relevant for couples in the UK contemplating egg donation. This book is available at a very good price from Amazon.co.uk and Amazon.com
Download the Official Flyer for book ( PDF )