Donor Conception Network - Articles
To Tell or Not To Tell
It was like a punch in the stomach. "I am afraid Mr Lane you are totally infertile." Those were the words that started my journey. I was still looking at the doctor but did not really hear the words. It all seemed so unfair – this was not the way I had planned it. I then started to hear stuff like ‘donor sperm’, ‘insemination’, ‘student doctors’ and ‘anonymity’. Now I just wanted to run. We left the clinic and I was numb and in shock. My wife kind of took over: if things had been left to me nothing would have happened. We both desperately wanted children, but I had been told the only way for us was with donor sperm. So that's how it was to be.
On the next visit to the clinic we said yes and handed over photos of ourselves – apparently to try to get some sort of match for me. I don't remember a lot of what was said, but I clearly remember hearing the doctor say, "it’s not necessary to tell anyone, including the children." At the time this was exactly what I wanted to hear. And I wanted no one to know about any of this. It was too painful. Denial seemed the best route. My wife did not agree, but understood me, and in her compassionate way just let me go my own way. With a bit of luck our children would look a bit like me, and neither they nor the rest of the world would be any the wiser: that was my stand.
In 1995 my darling Alice was born, for nine months before I worried about how I would feel for this new being coming into our lives. She was my daughter: I was to be the father, but there was NO genetic connection. How would I cope? Could I love her? It was not an easy time. After the birth I picked her up and everything changed: this was my baby. The beautiful Alice slept on my shoulder and I instantly loved her. The whole genetic thing went out of the window.
By now we had told my mother and my wife's parents, but that was it and the secrecy issue was paramount for me. Over the next few years nothing changed. I spoke to no one, but it was not right. I could not have told you then, but the whole situation was painful for me. I was living a big lie and it was always there in the background. I would hold Alice and in some way feel there was something between us.
We joined the Network. In 2001 we went to one of our first Network meetings in London. There were presentations and speakers. I don't remember a lot, but then something happened: Ken Daniels, a professional social worker, spoke. I was sitting in the front row and I believed he was talking to me. During his talk he spoke about family secrets, the harm and the danger they can do, the effects on the parents and the children. It was all totally contrary to what I had previously thought, but I knew I was listening to the truth.
And that is the little word that had been missing in my life up to now. How could I spend the rest of my life lying to my children, my wife and myself? Because that is what it would have meant. I have three beautiful kids I love passionately.
I am their father and dad, but today I accept there is a donor also involved in the creation of our family. I am not ashamed of this and, although I don't shout it from the rooftops, when it is appropriate, I will talk about it. One thing is for sure: we have no dark secrets in our family.
Andrew Lane March 2006
