Donor Conception Network - Articles
A Light at the End of the Tunnel
Stuart describes the challenging path to donor conceived parenthood.
No one can imagine what it is like to be told you cannot have children until you personally are faced with that reality. For me it was a considerable shock. I had lead a reasonably healthy life and was in good shape so the words ‘you are infertile’ knocked me for six not only because of my previously good health but also because there was absolutely no explanation given as to why.
It all started late in 2001 when my wife and I decided we wanted to start a family, we had enjoyed married life for nearly 3 years and had been together since we met at high school. All our friends were at the same stage of life and all the wives seemed to be getting pregnant. We’d always talked about having a big family, with three or even more children and were both very excited at the thought of lots of miniature versions of ourselves running around the house.
Time went by and we started to feel some pressure, not only from family members who wanted us to have children but also because so many of our friends seemed to fall pregnant so easily (and what appeared to be at the same time!), which as you can imagine was extremely frustrating. After a year of trying with no luck; my wife and I hit an all time low. We became depressed and almost reclusive and started to pursue the usual round of tests provided by the NHS. Despite all their flaws and the length of time that it all took, they appeared to be very thorough and we were confident that we would get to the bottom of the problem.
I decided that the best way to get through this difficult period was to set a target for ourselves, so agreed with my wife that by the end of 2003 we would ensure we knew what the problem was.
The amazing thing is that during the course of all the tests I never actually thought to myself that there might be a problem that couldn’t be fixed by the wonders of medicine or surgery. My wife had every possible test and was eventually given the all-clear. I also had a very wide range of tests including an invasive and extremely painful testicular biopsy. Somehow the internal NHS communication links fell down at this point and it took many months and much chasing of various doctors and secretaries to find out the results. Finally and somewhat bizarrely, my wife’s gynaecologist contacted us for an appointment and gave me the results that no man would ever want to hear and with very little explanation.
I found it very hard to get my head around hearing such a definitive end to all our plans and dreams. We were told about all our options and it fast became clear to me that I had to accept that if I ever wanted to be a Daddy, my children would never be biologically mine. I found this concept to be very embarrassing, daunting and upsetting and even now I find it hard to believe.
After reviewing our options, my wife and I decided to pursue donor insemination. Many fears and worries continually popped into my head: would my child love me? Would I love him or her? Would he or she look at all like me? Would it be obvious to strangers that he or she was not naturally mine? Would he or she reject me later in life? Would he or she want to replace me with their biological father when they were older? These issues caused me many sleepless nights – and sometimes still do. However it was the closest we could come to a solution to our problems so we could move on with our lives.
During January 2004, we met with a few clinics and eventually settled on the London Women’s Clinic on Harley Street. We were on a new high with a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. The treatment was expensive but as the NHS only offered one treatment cycle and given the waiting list and chances of success, we knew we had very little choice but to pursue this privately. We set a new personal target: by the end of 2004 we had to be expecting a baby. This was obviously very ambitious and not in our control in any way, but we needed something to aim for in terms of timing having wasted so many years trying naturally and having the tests. A donor was selected based on his build, looks and interests which were similar to mine.
The staff at the clinic were excellent and very supportive however as each treatment cycle went by with failure, we reached new depths of depression and fear. The funny thing is that you are told that stress and worry will not help your chances of pregnancy but how can you help these feelings when you are undertaking such an unnatural process that can fail on numerous successive attempts not to mention to disruption to hormones that my wife was enduring. The company I work for was thankfully very supportive and allowed me great flexibility to attend almost every appointment with my wife. I think that had I not been with my wife at every stage and appointment then my heart may not have been fully into the whole process.
On Wednesday 9th June 2004 and after the 5th DI attempt, all our dreams came true. We met our latest target. Before I left for work that day, my wife performed a pregnancy test or I should say, she performed three tests just be sure and to our amazement we saw a thick blue line on each of the results! I cannot describe the excitement combined with fear that it may not be real, that took over our lives from that moment onwards.
A few weeks later we went back to the clinic for a 7 week scan. During the scan, I was excited, apprehensive – lots of emotions all rolled into one. The doctor looked for the foetus and confirmed she could hear a heartbeat. She then proceeded to say that she could hear the second heartbeat. Naturally I assumed she was referring to my wife’s heart. My wife stared at me with a big grin on her face. It finally dawned on me. She was expecting TWINS!
We could not have hoped for happier news. Having had an emotional rollercoaster for three years; we finally felt that we had achieved our dreams. Several weeks later we went back for a subsequent scan and found out that we were expecting twin boys. Our family and friends were ecstatic and we started preparing ourselves and our home for our new family. My wife’s pregnancy went well although she did suffer some high blood pressure worries and was obviously extremely large and uncomfortable towards the end of the pregnancy.
On 3rd February 2005, we welcomed our beautiful baby boys into the world and called them Sam and Ben (weighing 8lb and 5lb 5oz respectively). I held them within seconds of them being born and immediately fell in love with them. They are mine, maybe not biologically but they are my boys and over the past 18 months I have been there for them for their feeds, learning to eat solids, teething pains, colds, bathing them, their first steps, comforting them and putting them to bed every night. I have enjoyed every waking second of being a father and watching my boys grow and change.
When I come home from work and they throw their little arms around me I cannot help but feel a sense of pride that despite my unexplained problems, my wife and I have achieved creating the loving family we had always wanted with the added bonus of twins which has forced me to be a much more hands on Dad than I might have been if we had had one baby. My fears and worries have been pushed aside for now as I know that what ever hurdles the future holds, we will make the right decisions and get through them as a family.
If you have found yourself with similar issues to mine the best advice I can give is to try to support your partner as much as possible throughout the process. It’s easier said than done but try to remain positive, strong and maintain good communication because at the end of the day you have to be able to rely on each other for constant love and moral support. I firmly believe that my wife and I are a stronger couple than we were before having been through this together.
About 16 months after Sam & Ben were born; having read an article in the DCN newsletter that caught my interest; I started my own investigations into my infertility. Two appointments and 3 blood tests later, I was diagnosed with the extremely rare Kleinfelters Syndrome. At last I know what the cause of my problems are and it will certainly help with the process of being open and honest with Sam & Ben in the future.
