Donor Conception Network - Stories
Using a Known Donor
Deciding to use a known donor
Laura explains how she and her partner came to the decisions After more than eight years of infertility, caused by my partners sever antisperm antibody problem, we finally decided to move on to Donor Insemination treatment. During the last two years since the problem was diagnosed, we have undergone an exhaustive round of tests and treatments culminating in the physical, emotional and financial strain of three failed IVF/ICSI and three failed frozen embryo cycles.
During this unhappy time, knowing that ours was a male factor problem, we had plenty of time to consider DI. Right from the very beginning we both felt that we would definitely prefer a known rather than an anonymous donor. We were also aware, especially through membership of the DI Network, that nearly all couples in this country opt for anonymous donor treatment, and that there are a great many very happy families that have resulted from this treatment. Our decision to opt for a known donor was based purely on our personal feelings, although I also found information in an American book on infertility (see below) very helpful.
We had two main reasons for opting for a known donor. The first was that we felt very strongly that we wanted any child born as a result of such treatment to have the right to know who his/her biological parent was, much as many adopted children do. We were already very clear that any child born would be told from an early age about having a donor parent. The decision to tell the child who the donor was would obviously have to be made very carefully and at an appropriate age and time. Our second reason for choosing a known donor was a more personal one. I simply felt happier about carrying a child whose biological father was someone I know and liked, rather than someone who had been chosen anonymously, however carefully matched.
Having made this decision, we then had to find a donor - not an easy task! Our main criteria included finding someone who already had children; who we felt could cope with the feelings involved with becoming a donor; whose wife or partner was in full agreement with the idea; who was physically healthy; who was reasonably physically similar to my own partner and most importantly, someone who we really liked. Of course asking someone to be a donor for you is not the sort of subject easily brought up around the dinner table! In the end, we simply made our situation generally know to quite a large number of people and waited to see what would happen. We were very lucky and received two offers. The first was from someone without children and we had to say no. The second, however, was from someone whom we both felt very good about and who fulfilled all the above criteria.
I was very aware that we would not be the first couple in the world to receive this sort of 'help' from a friend or relative, and that 'do-it-yourself' techniques of self insemination were not difficult to find out about. This is definitely a worthwhile option to consider, although I would stress the importance of thorough medical checks and also considering the legal implications as children born in this way are officially the child of the donor.
We felt, however, that we wanted to receive our DI treatment with our know donor through a hospital in the same was as anonymous DI treatment is carried out. This gave us the advantage of being able to have scans, HCG injections and carefully-timed inseminations. It would also mean that any children born would be legally the child of my partner and not the donor, although we also took out a separate legal agreement covering aspects of confidentiality etc., through a local solicitor.
Organizing this took quite an unbelievable amount of time and energy. Firstly, we had to find a donor bank that was willing to accept our donor and carry out all the necessary tests. Secondly we had to find a hospital licensed to carry out DI treatment who would accept our arrangement.
After several rejections we finally found a hospital in London which was willing to do both. Their conditions were reassuringly stringent. The donor couple and ourselves were both consulted and counseled thoroughly. Our donor was tested for everything an anonymous donor would be tested for, including HIV, cystic fibrosis and hepatitis, as well as having tests on sperm quality and freezability. (It is worth noting that a large number of men who are otherwise completely fertile, have sperm that does not freeze very well).
We were lucky - our donor 'passed' with flying colours! He then donated sperm over a month for four months. Six months later he was re-tested for many of the above diseases and then the stored sperm was finally released from incubation for our use. During this waiting period we managed to persuade our local hospital, again after consultations all round, to treat us, thereby saving us a 500 mile round trip every month.
We have just ahd our third treatment and are keeping our fingers crossed. It is very difficult waiting. Should we be lucky enough to conceive a child in this way, we certainly plan to maintain regular contact with our donor and his family, and at a time appropriate to all concerned, to be open about this child's origins. It has been quite a struggle to get the treatment we wanted, where we wanted and when we wanted it. It was also quite expensive as we had to pay for all tests, consultation, counseling and legal fees. I do feel, however, that it was worthwhile. This is what we both wanted and surely that is everybody's right to strive for.
For any couple considering a donor I am very happy to be contacted through DI Network.
Useful reading: Beyond Infertility, Susan L Cooper and Ellen S Glazer, Lexington Books, New York ISBN 0-02-911813-1
