Donor Conception Network - LETTERS IN OUR PLANNING A FAMILY SERIES
Planning a family using donor insemination:
a letter from Emily to would-be single mums
Dear Would-Be Single Mother
This is a letter to any single woman thinking of becoming a mother
through donor conception. I hope that these thoughts can help you in your
decision, and in carrying it through to fruition with more clarity and
certainty.
However you got to the point where you are now, it’s likely that we
have some things in common. As children, most of us dreamed of the day
we’d have children of our own, and somehow, things haven’t
worked out like the fairy tale. There comes a point where you realise
that if you want something, it’s no good waiting for it to happen,
you’ve got to make the moves yourself. Single parenting is at least
talked about these days, if rarely in very positive terms: we all know it
can be done, but it’s against the norm, it’s hard, and how
about the children?
We each have to work out our own answers to these questions. It’s
important to come to a view which is positive and optimistic, to feel
strong and hopeful about what you’re doing, to carry you through
the rough patches that there will surely be.
The processes you go through may be very different, each of us has her
own way of doing things, but there are some things which many of us will
have shared. I hope that this leaflet may raise some questions and help
you answer others for yourself.
The process of becoming a parent is a major upheaval at the best of
times. Making the choice to go it alone, to use a clinical process, to
bring a child into the world who will have to live with these choices, is
much more complex than I’d ever thought about. Don’t get me
wrong, I don’t regret a second of it, but I do think that I was
frightened of disapproval and pressure to change my mind, and so I
avoided facing up to some important aspects of what I was doing. I
wouldn’t have done anything differently, but I could have been
better prepared.
Coming to a decision
====================
This is much more of an issue for some than for others. There are some
choices to be made. From 1 April 2005, all donors will have agreed for
their identity to be made available to offspring at the age of 18, but
only limited information may be available to you to make your choice. The
usual advice is that one should choose a donor with similar physical
characteristics, so that your child fits into your family. You may feel
that other characteristics matter as much or more. You can contact the
Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority for information about
clinics in the UK (although they won’t tell you the ones that are
friendly to single women), and talk to others in the same situation in
your area through the Donor Conception Network to get the
consumer’s eye view of local services.
Once you’ve got this far, things take on their own momentum, and
you’re soon on the roller-coaster of what is known to most as
fertility treatment.
I started treatment at 38. It took a few months between making the phone
call and the first insemination. Waiting on a list, seeing the doctor and
counsellor, then going off to have the necessary tests and reports, and
finally, there I was in the waiting room, which I was going to get to
know very well!
The counselling session is the first thing which, with the benefit of
hindsight, I might have done quite differently. My own fears of being
judged led me to see it as a hurdle rather than an opportunity, and once
I’d ‘got through’ I wouldn’t have dreamed of
going back for more. Now, I think it would have been good to take up the
opportunity to talk through some things to which I wasn’t giving
much thought...I was surprised to find it a fascinating, thought
provoking and enjoyable session, but I was oblivious to some significant
issues. Don’t fear raising vague thoughts, fears and questions with
the clinic counsellor. If they’re worth their salt, they
shouldn’t be ‘telling’ you anything, only helping you
find your own answers. As far as I know, no counsellor has ever barred
anyone from treatment.
If some of the questions are uncomfortable, then take the opportunity to
clarify how you feel. It’s important not to ignore the things that
are most difficult: at some later stage, you may well have to answer to
your child about the same issues. You may not be able to have it all
worked out beforehand (and even if you do, you may find it all changes
with time!), but it’s important to be able to face the questions.
Finally, keep it all in perspective: people in two-parent families have
regrets too. Our children need to learn how to live with the ups and
downs and still enjoy life, not allow the negatives to take over.
Treatment
=========
For nearly every woman I’ve spoken to, the first insemination led
to a feeling that she must certainly be pregnant, and then the crashing
realisation that she wasn’t. Being prepared for the cycle of
intense emotions, from anxious waiting for the right day, fitting the
treatment into your schedule at short notice, hoping and waiting for
signs, trying to be ‘careful’ in all sorts of ways, and then
the disappointment, and getting ready to try again...This may well be
harder than you expected, even if you are one of the few lucky ones who
succeeds first time!
The different treatment protocols are so diverse that it’s best not
to go into them here. They can be very demanding, the drugs (if you need
to use them) can be devastating, both emotionally and physically, and the
process will intrude into your life – it can’t just be fitted
into an unobtrusive corner. Again, being in touch with others doing the
same thing can be very helpful, to discuss, compare, find out about
options, as well as for simple moral support. Many of us felt at times
that we were being pressured to do something we weren’t too sure
about. This is when support can help you come to a decision that’s
right for you.
Support
=======
Some women start the process without having discussed it with anyone at
all, preferring to wait to explain when it becomes more real, the bump
becomes obvious or whatever. Most of us will have talked to friends or
family while making the decision, and can turn to these people for
support during treatment.
You may prefer not to have to account to everyone at each stage every
month, and you need to think of a way of saying you’ll tell them as
soon as there’s something to say. Bear in mind that someone who
sees themselves as a close friend may feel hurt when they find out
afterwards that you didn’t tell them something so important:
although having a child has changed my relationships with all my friends,
some friendships have been lost, which I deeply regret.
One possibility, which most of us would prefer not to think about, is the
risk of miscarriage: in fact, it is terribly common, up to 1 in 3
pregnancies, and can be a harrowing experience. It is worth thinking
about your support needs if you should start having problems very early
on, when miscarriage is most common. If you’ve told lots of people
about your treatment, then some of them are probably checking up on your
progress, and it will be easy to call on one of them. Miscarriages happen
out of the blue, and I was very grateful for my sister’s help,
phoning work for me, fetching me clean knickers to go home in, and just
being there.
On a more positive note, you can link this bit of planning with thinking
about who would be best to ask to be a birth partner. You may even be
allowed more than one, but they need to be willing, maybe to go to an
antenatal session, to come over in the middle of the night, to keep a
couple of weeks in the distant future fairly free for you...
At this stage, many of us have found, joined or started support groups.
If there’s nothing in your area, you could put a notice up in your
clinic to see if there are any others like you looking to meet up: in my
case, I joined such a group, which is still meeting monthly ten years on.
Now a group of families, the children have known each other since they
were tiny, and they know that they are all much wanted children by donor
conception. We hope they will be able to turn to each other when they
start having questions they don’t want to put to us. The Donor
Conception Network provides a great forum in the twice-yearly conferences.
Who Needs to Know/Secrecy
=========================
You’re not going to be able to conceal single mothering once it
becomes a reality, and even if you don’t come across anybody
indiscreet enough to ask outright, it’s useful to work out how to
explain things. It helps if you can be proud and positive, which can
disarm even the most judgmental person. I think it’s worth thinking
at this stage about how you’ll explain things to your child: there
isn’t one right answer, we each have to find what fits best. It
won’t be good enough to have rehearsed one answer: you can
guarantee that your child is going to bring the subject up in unexpected
ways and places, which will test your preparedness.
Actually, many of us have found that it’s other children who ask
more questions in the early days. You need to work out exactly what you
think ‘dad’ means, and whether a sperm donor fits the bill:
does your child have no father, or an unknown father? Do you want your
child to have all the available information about the donor from the
start, or do you want to wait until they ask or are older? How do you
feel about other people knowing: will you tell your midwife and health
visitor? You can ask for it not to be recorded on your new baby’s
medical records, to follow them on for life. And if you’re worried
about the registry office, let me put your mind at ease: it’s no
problem, they’re perfectly used to it, and they just put a line
through the box marked ‘father’.
The Children
============
You hear a lot about the risks to children in one parent families: if you
look closely at a lot of the research, the evidence is not as clear cut
as it’s presented in the media. Most of us will have more
comfortable circumstances than the stereotypical lone mother. We have
chosen our situation, and don’t need to expend any energy on
blaming, resenting, protecting or trying to pay back an abandoning father
or partner. I can’t pretend it’s all been easy, but I
wouldn’t believe any parent who did. I know many children of donor
conception, and I can’t think of a better group of kids for my son
to meet up with every month, and feel he belongs to.
The issue of knowing about their conception, and knowing about the donor,
has always seemed simple to me, but it has also changed with my son
developing his own personality. This is one of the issues I might have
gained a lot from talking over with a counsellor in the very early
stages, although I didn’t see it as very important then. I have
always believed that secrets don’t keep well, and that I’d
rather my son knew from the beginning, to the best of his understanding,
how he was made.
Until April 2005, donors have been guaranteed anonymity, although they
could volunteer to add to the basic details the recipient and offspring
were given. From April 2005, offspring will have the right to identifying
information once they are 18.
I believe that we can make it easier for our children by being open from
the start, so they don’t have to cope with the realisation they
have been deceived by those they should have been able to trust. The
studies of adoptees find that this can be a deeply damaging experience. I
don’t know how much genetics define who we are, but I do recognise
how important it feels to some, and I hope that my son can grow with a
strong sense of belonging in our family, our community and our society.
Finally
=======
These are just some of the issues which I have heard brought up many
times: there will be many more. You can only prepare yourself with the
strength of certainty that you are doing the right thing for you, and
that you have what it takes to arm your child against the hurdles the
world will present. If you are still in the deliberation stage, let me
offer all my support, as a woman who now has a delightful five-year-old,
and cannot imagine life without the privilege.
If I can narrow it down to two key points:
* Think about your own needs: if you don’t do this already,
you‘ll need to learn. Be clear about where your support comes
from, build new support networks, discuss this with your friends and
family so you know where they stand. Join the DC Network to talk to
others in the same boat and for a place to take any questions or ideas.
Don’t even think of going ahead if you prefer an easy life!
* Be proud of what you are doing, so you can offer pride to your child.
With best wishes for a rapid and successful journey through these
tribulations and into the most fulfilling, challenging and responsible
role anyone could ever take on!
Emily [PDF version]
