Donor Conception Network

LIBRARY - BOOKLISTS - SOLO & LESBIAN PARENTING
Knock Yourself Up: A Tell-All Guide to Becoming a Single Mother by Louise Sloan
dvd jacket

This book is a collection of anecdotes about the journey to single motherhood put together by Louise Sloan, a single lesbian New Yorker.
The book has created uproar in the US because of the casual way it seems to dispense with the need for a father: ‘No Man, No Problem’ blares the cover. But while the book is written in a rather breezy confessional style, it is more thoughtful than the attention grabbing title suggests. The reader is offered a comprehensive trawl through what it takes to become a single mum – from making the decision to surviving the first year - heard through the voices of over forty single ‘choice’ mothers. Some of the experience is irrelevant to UK audiences. We don’t, for example, have the luxury of browsing through on-line sperm banks for the perfect donor, nor of inseminating at home while surrounded by candles (!). But a lot of the experiences do ring true, and accurately mirror the emotional journey of single motherhood. In all, a book worth reading for any woman who wants, in Louise Sloan’s words, ‘a lively support group in text form’ But not the place to turn if you want to think deeply about the moral issues raised by the process.

Available from the author
1 copy in the DCN library

CHOOSING SINGLE MOTHERHOOD: THE THINKING WOMAN’S GUIDE (2005) By Mikki Morrissette Published in the USA by Be-Mondo Publishing ISBN: 0-9772042-0-0

This excellent new book covers topics for both those who are thinking about single motherhood by choice and those who are already parents. It is American but all the concerns of real women who are making decisions in this area are featured and as such, it is entirely appropriate for UK readers. The book is broken down into six stages – Stages 1 -2 Typical Concerns Stage 3 - Is it Fair to the Child? Stage 4 - Method to Motherhood Stage 5 - Day-to-Day Parenting Stage 6 - The Legacy of Choice It is available on Amazon for £12.97 and second hand copies are also available for less. There are 2 copies in DCN Library.

Review
The author of this extensively researched 340 page book is the mother of two children conceived by insemination with a known donor. The first part of the book explores issues relevant to women who are making the decision about whether to pursue single motherhood. This includes assessing motivation, financial implications, grieving the childhood dream of raising children within a loving relationship, community reactions and the impact on a child of growing up without a father. The next section covers choosing the method, including the known donor option, anonymous and open identity donors.
As the book is written for US readers some of the information about legal issues and donor selection may not be relevant here ( for example in the States it is still possible to opt for anonymous donation) but the ethical issues remain relevant. There is a chapter about adoption which reflects the policies in the States which differs from the situation here. The section entitled day to day parenting includes coping with stress, the importance of a support system, a discussion on talking with children and others about their conception, and confronting identity issues.
It is helpful that some accounts of difficult experiences are included, including a moving account from a mother of two children with special needs. There is information about policies around the world, including the removal of donor anonymity in the UK.
Of great interest to me as the mother of a seven year old, was the chapter which includes interviews with young adults and teenagers raised by Choice Moms, as the author refers to them. This includes Ryan Kramer whose mother set up the Donor Sibling Registry in the States.
It was a small sample consisting only of those who were willing to share their thoughts, but most of them were well adjusted and reported healthy and nurturing relationships with their mothers.
There is an extensive list of references and resources at the end of the book, including website addresses. The book is a useful addition to the literature available for single women considering parenthood, as well as those of us who already have children.
It can be purchased from the author on the website: www.choosingsinglemotherhood.com
Raising Boys Without Men ( 2005) By Peggy Drexler Published in the USA by Holtzbrinck Publishers ISBN: 1-57954-881-4
The author carried out a research project that compared boys from female headed households, including both single mothers and lesbian couples, with boys from traditional families. The results were encouraging, and showed that boys raised without fathers were generous, caring and socially confident, whilst remaining boyish and keen on sports.
Mommies, Daddies, Donors, Surrogates: Answering Tough Questions and Building Strong Families Diane Ehrensaft, Ph.D Published in the USA by Guildford 2005-11-09$16.95 (£9.50) from Amazon.com or the web site of the publisher.
2 copies in the DCN Library Don’t be put off by the rather ‘American’ title of this book. It is well worth reading for both those contemplating family building by donor conception and those who are already parents, whether in heterosexual or lesbian couple or single parent families. As a developmental psychologist Diane Ehrensaft is able to address and empathise with all the complicated thoughts and feelings of would-be parents whilst keeping a strong focus on the developmental needs of the children. The chapters on the why, how and when of ‘telling’ are some of the best material around. Read a detailed review of this book>>
NOVICES, OLD HANDS AND PROFESSIONALS: ADOPTION BY SINGLE PEOPLE (1999) By Morag Owen Published by BAAF ISBN: 1 873868 68 5
This book discusses the findings of a research study on single adopters and their children. It covers selection policies and practices of adoption agencies, the experiences and views of adopters and their children, and the social and legal context in which adoption by single people has to be seen.
SINGLE MOTHERS BY CHOICE: A GUIDEBOOK FOR SINGLE WOMEN WHO ARE CONSIDERING OR HAVE CHOSEN MOTHERHOOD (1997) By Jane Mattes. Published by Times Books ISBN: 0812922468
Written by a single mother by choice who is a psychotherapist and director of the US support organisation "Single Mothers by Choice" since 1981, this book is highly recommended to those who are considering whether this option is right for them. Adoption as well as insemination by a known or unknown donor is discussed, with advice about making written agreements with known donors. There is a particularly helpful chapter about coping with the lack of a Daddy figure in a child's life, and the special child development issues. Available to buy, priced £10.00 including postage.
THE COMPLETE SINGLE MOTHER (2000)
By Andrea Engber and Leah Klungness Published by Adams Media Corporation. ISBN: 1580623026 An American book which explores single parenting by choice as well as by chance. It offers advice on becoming pregnant, pregnancy and birth, raising children without a partner, and maintaining relationships beyond the family unit. Rather negative about men.
Other books available
IT'S A FAMILY AFFAIR: THE COMPLETE LESBIAN PARENTING BOOK (2001)
By Lisa Saffron. Published by Diva Books. ISBN: 187374162-6
The author is the founder of Pink Parents UK, and runs workshops for lesbians considering self-insemination. Topics covered include recruiting and screening of donors, getting pregnant, family relationships, legal recognition and dealing with prejudice. The book is easy to read and includes interviews with older children of lesbian mothers.


FOR LESBIAN PARENTS: YOUR GUIDE TO HELPING YOUR FAMILY GROW UP HAPPY, HEALTHY AND PROUD (2001) By Suzanne M. Johnson and Elizabeth O’Connor. Published by The Guildford Press ISBN: 1-57230-663-7
The authors of this book are developmental psychologists who are coparenting two young daughters, in the USA. They offer advice on what to tell children and at what age, how to help them respond to questions from their peers, and ways to foster sensitivity in relatives, teachers and others. It also discusses the effects that having children can have on couple relationships, and has a chapter on relationship breakdown and stepfamilies.