Donor Conception Network - Stories
The "Ideal" Family
I am a single parent with three children by DI. Recently I asked them a couple of questions over a few days: "Do you wish you could, when you are older, meet your donors?" A definite "yes" from all three - to know what they looked like, what food they liked, which football team they supported. My other question was: "Do you ever wish we had a father living here with us?" 2 out of 3 said "Yes".
My oldest, a boy aged 10, said "Yes, because I'd like someone to play sport with, to have more fun with." (Ouch, I thought, remembering all the weekends I spend yelling from the sidelines of football pitches, of the money it's cost me to procure Man. Utd. tickets, of the nights I've spent rearranging the front room furniture to illustrate what "offside" means...)
My youngest, a girl aged 6 also said "Yes, I'd have someone to collect me when you're at work, someone to play with when you're cooking, and someone extra to cuddle." (Ouch again, I though I'd enormous quantities of cuddles to give, but...)
My middle child, a boy aged 8, said "I've already got a Dad - my donor is my dad." I explained more fully. He said: "No - if we had a dad living here I wouldn't get many turns in your bed, cos he'd be there". Then, after some hesitation "But, would I get more pocket money?"
I know I could ask all sorts of questions about their lives and they would want change, e.g. do you wish you did/didn't have an older brother/ younger sister an d their answers would depend on how they'd been getting on in the previous 5 minutes. But in the matter of the two questions I'd asked them, I have to remember that the outcome has been my choice, not theirs. Many people in society would condemn me for having children by donor, and many more because I don't have a husband. We do not fit into an "ideal family" picture. And what would that family be - how many of us would fit into it and is it truly the best way to be? Is it a family with: * a mother and a father, biologically related and living together? * with a decent income - or are only the wealthy capable of providing all a child needs? * parents not too old - firstborn at 25 or 28? * healthy - or does a family history of heart disease/cancer rule one out? * able-bodied - does this mean parents who are partially deaf OK, but not if blind or wheelchair bound?
How does one define an ideal family and who can decide whether one family or another is better for children?
We are all so different. My children do not have a father figure, nor will they ever know where half their genetic background came from. But my children were very much wanted and they are loved. They do not have the latest computer equipment, clothes, luxury holidays, but they are not beaten, abused or starving. I know, and so do they, that there are children with both biological parents who live miserable and unhappy lives who would gladly swap with my children tomorrow.
I am a single mother but that does not mean I believe fathers are unimportant. I know I have a responsibility to ensure my children have contact with loving fathers in other families as I want my sons in particular to feel that they can be important, loving and very necessary parts of their own childrens' lives in the future. I do not want them to grow up believing there is no place for them in a family.
We do not fit into the so-called "ideal" - our family is just different as each family is different. We are an imperfect family, but as one of my children said - he likes his life and feels very loved by me.
Sandra (A very imperfect mother)!
