Donor Conception Network - Articles
Male Sterotyping, Secrecy and Infertility
I believe that gender stereotyping encourages secrecy.
In a recent conversation I talked about having a donor conceived child and met the response 'everyone is very open about this now', But my perception is that this is not quite the whole picture, and I began to wonder why. Is it secrecy or privacy or the private lie? Do families make a positive decision to tell their child/children up front or do the children find out or are they told ultimately because the situation has become untenable?
Without wishing to generalise too much, males are reluctant to talk about things like low sperm count or infertility - these are not exactly the topics for light hearted banter with a colleague. The key to this is that men have the expectation that they will be fertile and are hurt and embarrassed if they are not. There is a fear of the discomfort such topics can cause, and the unpredictability of the response. To avoid embarrassment the matter is kept quiet, considered too delicate to broach. It never ceases to amaze me in a group at a DI Network meeting when a man says 'I am infertile'. This is unambiguous, a clear message which carries so much more meaning than the three words of the statement. It conjures up a range of powerful feelings - disappointment, anger, loss, grief. The full extent of feelings will be perhaps known only to the man; but to be able to say "I am infertile" means that at some level he has come to terms with his personal issue. The danger is that feelings not properly addressed become buried - becoming secrets wrapped in words emotions such as, denial, and uncertainty, alienation and stress.
At the last London meeting I was in a group who discussed bringing up male children. There was talk about the male and female sides of men, of the holistic nature of people and raising fully rounded males. Contrary to the philosophies underlying this discussion, in our world the extremes of gender are marketed as much admired and sought after by the opposite sex. This trend is reinforced by TV programmes and advertising which foster stereotypic views of what it is to be a woman/man. If partners do not live up to these gender expectations there can be confusion and disappointment. We need honesty as a principle and the courage to learn about ourselves in our relationships. We must try to be aware of needs, desires, hopes and fears.To define who we are as families (however they are constructed) considering the needs of all the family members is a lifetimes challenge in its own right.
The linking of the male, female, family stereotype - fertile man with a family and his own genetic children is perhaps the role model that the couple would look to in their decision in the early days to opt for secrecy. His infertility is his private matter, he is daunted by telling a child this very sensitive information which makes staying in the safe zone of 'not telling' seem to be the best thing all round. The hope is that small children not knowing anything will perhaps never know anything. But as children and young adolescents grow up they develop radar like sensitivity to underlying tensions and nuances within the family. For example frostiness between mum and dad which the couple totally understand, might be mentioned by the child who then says "have you and dad made up".
In reality not many of us are trained to sustain an elaborate deception. This can becomes very evident with the passage of time and experiencing the parental role. New parents may look to the safety of a stereotypical family opting for "not telling" as a reasoned response to their dilemma. However, as time goes by, normal questions by young children will expose the conflicts involved with deception. If mother is the main carer it may be her who first becomes acutely aware of the problem. I was myself as questions about the facts of life - a straightforward question made me feel uncomfortable and was perhaps the wake up call that the position of keeping information from the child would not be possible over a long period of time.
Stereotypes serve many purposes but do not necessarily relate to real people- men, women and families. In the end each family will work out their own way through it all. The logistics of how to tell, who to tell l ' I am sorry I told her because we had a row...' etc etc are just blips in a bigger picture that begins with honesty in family life. In the end it becomes difficult to get through it all without it!
Sue Simpson
