Donor Conception Network - Stories
A teenager’s viewpoint; leading to a lot of questions from mum and no answers…
Some of you have met Sam, my DI conceived oldest son aged 16, who has started coming with me to the Network Meetings. In the past he has joined me in being a speaker but he usually helps out with the library and book stall. On the way home from the recent Manchester national meeting, I realised I had been taken up with the minutiae of practical issues connected to the meetings, and that I had no real idea what Sam makes of it all now he is getting older, so I asked him. His reply was: “People seem to get so stressed about it all. I think they should just chill out more. If they care enough to join the Network and come to the meetings then they’re obviously really anxious to do the right thing, so they probably will do the right thing.”
I really enjoyed meeting so many new members at the Manchester meeting, and lots of you had questions and dilemmas to air. And that’s one of the strengths of our meetings – it provides a structure for us to do what people often do when faced with a new and important journey, to seek out the experiences of those who are further down the road. Unfortunately, of course, whilst I can now tell you a fair bit about how to survive GCSE’s which might be of direct help, I can’t tell you how your child will deal with the knowledge of his or her conception. All any of us can do is give you our take on our experiences so far, and hope you might be able to pick out something that chimes with how you see the world.
Sometimes the questions we have are an expression of much deeper anxieties about what will happen. Expressing these can make us feel very vulnerable, or irrational, and might not be heard so much at Network Meetings. It doesn’t mean they just go away, though. See if any of the following ring any bells with you or someone close to you:
‘Everyone says I’ll love the baby when it appears, that it won’t matter that we’re not genetically related. Supposing that’s not true?’
This one connects to our core beliefs – is there something mysterious and everlasting about genetic relationships? They always mean something, even if we wish they didn’t. What are your experiences of relationships with family members?
‘Supposing my child can’t accept and celebrate difference, but feels uncomfortable with it?’
Part of the script of ‘parent role’ we all carry is that we should be able to protect our kids from such negative consequences. But everyone’s different in some way, and as long as children are supported, it’s part of forming a character. Some children may go through a time of anger, sadness or even pain but these feelings are unlikely to lead to permanent harm if they are responded to with understanding, love and care. How did you experience difference as a child? Your feelings about it now probably give you all the clues you need to support your child, and may also help enormously in making sure you keep any anxieties you have separate from those that belong to your child.
How will you feel if your teenager wants to search for their biological parent, whether that’s realistic or not? An honest response to this will give you some clues as to how you might react if you got ‘you’re not my real dad anyway’ thrown your way.
What we all really want to know is: will this child love me? Will this child fit in? Am I sure that a parent/child relationship without a genetic connection doesn’t feel second-best? Only you can answer that, using your own experiences of being loved and of loving others. We hope it gives encouragement to hear about others for whom these ways of creating a family have seemed to work, but it won’t work for you unless you’re comfortable with it.
If this isn’t enough to cope with, all parents these days have to deal with a relentless flow of media articles and stories about parenting and families. Stories of adoptees who feel a strong need to search for birth parents appear every week (try the Guardian on Saturdays, it’s full of them). Actually, although there are parallels with adoption, there are a lot of important differences too, but we don’t always think about those. Then there are the studies and research exhorting us to keep our children away from TV before they’re 2, let them play out or they won’t learn vital independence skills, make them exercise more, don’t let a fizzy drink touch their lips – you could add dozens more to this list.
I really think it’s hard for parents to work out how to ‘do the right thing’ if we’re laden with anxieties and can’t hear our own voices of common sense. It was great to listen to people round the bookstall at the Network Meeting exchanging ideas on how they could adapt the ‘Our Story’ book to fit their own family situation, swapping stories of how they picked out phrases they liked, or a style they felt comfortable with, and took it from there. A great example of common sense, creativity and collaboration.
Although the nature v nurture debate will no doubt rage for ever, most parents usually come to realise that our children arrive with given personalities - basic ways of handling things - not as blank slates. Sam’s way of dealing with this area of his life isn’t the same as his younger brothers’. Whilst some kids love the attention that could come their way from their declaration of difference, others might be horrified at the thought, particularly as young teenagers. Sam’s comfortable with it, we’re comfortable with it – all we have to do now is wait for him to apply this common sense to the rest of his life!
Jane
